1 year....

1 year ago this weekend, I started a journey. A journey to South Africa for the first time, a journey to explore the path which I feel I've been called to. It honestly seems like a lifetime ago...so much has changed in my life....there have been moments that have seemed like chaos, but I know each moment was written long ago..It has been a year of first, a year of hellos, and a year of goodbyes.....

The first time I lived out of the country long-term, the first (and second) time I stayed for 24 hours in a sketch hotel in Morocco, the first time I saw a hippo, first time I walked a tiger, first time I was truly humbled by God, the first time to have stitches, the first time I felt out of control, the first time I decided to truly trust....

I said hello to a lot of amazing people. I met a lady named Veronica and the wonderful kids at Aurora, who I will be working with again very soon! I met two amazing roommates who will never truly know the impact they have had on my life, an amazing church family who took us as their own, an amazing group of guys who took care of us and looked out for us like we had known them forever, precious girls who I continue to have amazing, encouraging chats with, and lately I have said hello to rebuilding old friendships...

However, I also said goodbye in a sense--I have grown apart from some people who I really cared for, I've said goodbye to the plan I had for my life, and also to control...

Looking back, it has truly been an amazing year--full of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, struggles and triumphs....I have learned so much--I learned to trust again, I've discovered that through God, I am enough...I have learned that I don't have to have all of the answers to my questions...or anyone else's.

I am so thankful for each day of the journey of this past year.....I'm excited to see what the next one holds...and unlike last year, I have no road map...let's see how it goes :)

Love is....

Sometimes it hits me how selfish and proud I can be....

Over the past few weeks, 1 Corinthians 13 keeps coming back to me. I open my bible and that's what page it's on, on the front of a journal someone gave me, in a book I'm reading--just to name a few.

And through this I have realized that I never really understood the whole meaning of that part of Scripture. I mean, most of us see it as something read at a wedding ceremony; however, I believe there is something much bigger to be considered here. As a believer, I am called to imitate Christ, and Christ exemplifies the true meaning of love. Which means I should be showing love to each person I come in contact with...but what does that really look like? It's easy to say I want to show love to those around me, but I believe that if I compare myself to this section of Scripture, I fail in comparison.

Francis Chan in his book Crazy Love, issues a challenge. He says to place your name where the word love is in 1 Corinthians....what a challenge..I realized just after the first line that I am no where near exemplifying Christ in this way...

Courtney is patient, Courtney is kind, Courtney is not jealous...

and those are just the first three....I see that this is impossible for me to do; however, I know that I have the very Spirit of the Living God dwelling within me...and through Him I can do the impossible...

Lord, help me to truly be love to the world around me........

but a vapor....

This week reality is setting in....the reality that in a little over 2 months I will be on a plane heading to Jo'burg, the reality that I will be on my own, the reality that I will be spending 5 days a week working with sweet children, the reality of letting go of my expectations....so many thoughts jumping through this mind..

A few days ago someone asked me if I was even a little sad....and the answer is..I do have my moments...I realize all the things I will miss getting to see..birthdays, Christmas, friends engagements--just to name a few..but then I am reminded that I am going to be living the dream that the Lord place on my heart 7 years ago. And that fact alone blows my mind....

In the past few days one thought keeps going through my mind....Serve Him while I am waiting...I can't just be living for October 10th...there is so much time between now and then that I should spend sharing the love of Christ...

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. James 4:13-14

not enough....

One word describes how I feel right now....overwhelmed..

Sometimes my mind blows up with lists of all the things I need to accomplish...getting ready for kids camp, starting papers, taking tests, visa applications, airplane tickets, etc.---even though the list of "plans" has been metaphorically thrown away....the to-do list carries on....

In the midst of this, I took a few minutes to read a few blogs and find some new ones to follow...(thanks to Angie Fogg who introduced me to kisses from katie..I'm now hooked too!)

As I began to read blogs from people I don't know who are accomplishing such amazing things for the Kingdom...my heart was so overjoyed...they are in the exact place that the Lord has called them..I wonder if they know what an impact they are making....

and then it hit me--why do I allow myself to get overwhelmed with the things of this world, instead of laying them moment by moment at the throne of my Father? He knows this story far better than I...

I want to do more....I want to make a difference...these were my thoughts as I read through these blogs....but then I realized---all of those statements center around me and what I want....and this life shouldn't be about me..

So now I am striving to simply pray that God would allow me to follow his road...no matter where it takes me and that I would be content with simply walking step by step on the path He has ordained for me...

not my own...

So…If you know me at all, you most likely know two things about my life—I’ve wanted to move to Africa since I was 15 years old, and I always have a plan.

A year ago at this time I was preparing to go to South Africa for the first time. God had opened the door for me to live my dream, for 5 months anyways, and I was beyond excited—that seems like years ago. So much in my life has changed and adapted over the past year….I honestly am a different person.

Since graduating high-school I have always had a plan…I knew where I was going to college a year before it was time, and I knew what I would study long before I arrived on campus. After college the plan was to go straight to seminary, hopefully meet someone, get married, and move to Africa working for the mission board. Well, as most of you know…..that is not what happened.

I instead took a semester off to move to South Africa, then when I came home decided to take online classes, and now, a year later, I am preparing to move back for over a year…on my own

My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would 2 years ago, and I am so thankful for that. God has continually shown me that His ways are far better than my own. So what happens next? I have no idea….I know in about 3 months I’m getting on a plane to begin living a dream I have had for 7 years…to live in South Africa and have the opportunity to work with sweet children everyday…an opportunity that I am so unworthy of.

And for once…I do not have a plan. I have thrown it out. I don’t know what my life will look like a year from now; however, I know that no matter, I will be resting in the sweet will of my Father—whose plan is far better than my own. No more lists…no more following selfish ambitions…just me, trying daily to somehow grow closer to my Savior.